I’ve been thinking a lot about newspapers recently. About how I never buy one anymore except when I’m going on a long train journey, about the supposed closure of the Observer (which isn’t now happening), about what I can’t help thinking is gross mismanagement of certain newspapers somewhere along the line, and about how it must be possible to produce a local newspaper that isn’t based entirely on “soft news” and advertorials.

There are clearly some complex reasons for the demise of the newspaper, which is why the simplicity of a recent statement by Michael Moore stood out. In an apparently off-the-cuff outburst at a promotional event for his latest film, he said:

“Anytime you say that the people who read your newspaper are secondary to the business community, you’ve lost.”

This led to a further summary by media commentator Philip Stone:

“If you take care of the reader as your primary function then everything else will eventually fall into place.”

All this came to my attention via Roy Greenslade.

It’s kind of obvious, really. If you cut the journalistic budget, the quality of the journalism falls, people stop buying the paper, advertising revenues slump and what Greenslade calls the “death spiral” kicks in. I’m not saying this is especially original, either. But amid the hand-wringing and expert analysis, the neatness of Moore’s summary appeals.

“For 50% off home insurance call us now!” – Stephen Fry

Wonderfully engaging stuff from the Direct Line home insurance ad.

“Plus, a thousand pounds’ worth of pet food to be won every week!” – Stephen Fry

A remarkable, seminal line from the deeply influential Direct Line pet insurance ad.

“You’re never sure of the best deal until you come to us direct!” – Stephen Fry

Another terifically entertaining line from the Direct Line pet insurance ad. Here, Fry illustrates clearly his Renaissance man credentials.

“You won’t find our deals on price comparison sites so we can give you savings!” – Stephen Fry

Powerful, sublime work, from the much admired Direct Line “Car Insurance Calendar” ad

“Right now, you can get twelve months’ cover for the price of ten!”  – Stephen Fry

A wonderful piece of delivery from the extraordinary Direct Line car insurance ad. One reviewer, YouTube user Clubby231, said of this: “My 7-year-old loves this advert.” I think this is something with which we can all agree.

I may have missed some off but I think this give’s a flavour of Fry’s unique contribution to British public life.

Next week: Celebrated quotes from Aleksandr, founder of ComparetheMeerkat.com

Crown Bingo – Whereas men prefer to ruin their family relationships with late-night online poker sessions, the housewife’s destructive gambling method of choice is the daytime online bingo binge, which causes her to forget to pick the kids up from school. This advert contains one of the most upsetting jingles of all time, as well as utterly shit CGI, predictably involving a crown. Brilliant.

Ped Egg – Tool aimed at scraping bits of dead skin off your feet. Now available in pink, apparently to appeal to women. This exquisite advert follows the “demonstration” structure familiar to fans of shopping channels, which is problematic considering the device’s primary use. Hence one particularly distasteful moment, which involves the Ped Egg being emptied of powdery skin filings into a bin.

Fenton’s Solicitors – Like all adverts for personal injury lawyers, this is screened during the day to target people who are too lazy to go to work but think that by faking a trip over a bit of kerb they can quickly become rich. Contains a laughable series of images of potential hazards (fizzing electrics, wobbly ladders, etc) to help jog the viewer’s memory.

National Accident Helpline – Same idea as Fenton’s but with a name that hints at some kind of independence and authority in order to confuse the thick.

Injury Lawyers 4U – Same idea as Fenton’s  but with the addition of a threatening, tanned bloke in a suit, who helpfully provides dictionary definitions for the words “injury” and “lawyers”, since people watching television in the middle of the afternoon are unlikely to know. Almost certain to foster feelings of anger and paranoia among susceptible viewers.

Envirofone – A service that pays money for old mobile phones. Contains an array of badly-acted stereotypes, including a fat bloke, a gay punk and a Welsh person. The advert looks like it has been made by contestants off the Apprentice. Sir Alan Sugar would, like me, probably enjoy the bit where someone gets terrifically overexcited about being paid £150 and the way “envirofone.com” is stated twice in immediate succession at the end.

Cash My Gold – Like Envirofone, but with unwanted Argos jewellery. A bloke with a beard who wears tweed and lives in a stately home is the main protagonist, which isn’t exactly the sort of person I can visualise using the service. There are other firms like Postal Gold and Cash 4 Gold advertising the exact same thing, suggesting an unlikely new trend.

Oven Pride – Cleaning product aimed specifically at bitter housewives. The advert starts with a snarling harridan standing with her arms folded behind an idiot man in pink Marigolds. The slogan is “So easy a man can do it”. I very much wanted the man to raise his fist at this point and shout “You can’t even bleed a radiator, you patronising bitch!” but sadly it never happened. Accompanied by a bizarre, lullaby-ish soundtrack that suggests something deeply, deeply sinister.

Red Driving School – Suffers from an alarming tendency to overstate the excitement of being a driving instructor. “This is the only number YOU’RE going to need to change your career.. and your LIFE!” The bloke telling you this has a deep voice and a vaguely Christoper-Lee-as-Dracula thing going on. “Over a million people take driving lessons every year and YOU could be teaching them!” Well yes. But there must be easier ways of earning a living. Actually, does anyone have the number for Fenton’s Solicitors?

Mark Brown, director of the Association of Cycle Traders, noticed that in the TV advert, Asda had managed to put the front forks on back-to-front, meaning that if you managed to avoid steering the thing into the path of a double-decker bus, you’d almost certainly come a cropper with malfunctioning brakes. It was also pointed out that a self-assembly bike is actually maybe not that much of a good idea in principle, since you’d really need a range of tools and technical know-how in order to put it together safely. Aside from which, the bike’s components are utter shit.

As the Guardian’s reviewer noticed:

The derailleur, gear shifts and more are made by a brand that sounds like Shimano but isn’t. It’s even written in the same font.

Asda’s response was to pull the TV ad. But, rather foolishly, its press office attempted to mask the fact that the supermarket is – in the view of at least one expert – selling dangerous merchandise with a series of crap bike-related puns.

A spokeswoman said: “As soon as we spotted the error, we put the brakes on the TV ad and pulled it. Our agency is back-pedalling as we speak and we will be wheeling out the new one tomorrow…”

So, if you’re unlucky enough to have bought one of these things and find yourself in an unfortunate death-related scenario, remember to think about the Asda press office’s funny bike jokes. It’ll hurt less.

So. Here’s a list of observations:

0-15secs. Repetition of the phrase “Cameron Direct”. Who is this Cameron Direct? Some kind of alter ego? Annoying. And it ignores the basic rule that repeating your own name out loud as part of some kind of branding exercise just looks crass.

10secs. Emphasis of “26th”. As though doing Cameron Directs is really exhausting, and reaching the grand milestone of 26 of them is somehow to be admired. “I’m in Watford and I’m doing my twenty-sixth Cameron Direct.” So f***ing what?

14-23secs. Explanation of Cameron Direct, which ends with the stupid phrase “think you’re all rubbish”. Clearly supposed to sound chummy and fun, but actually subliminally implants the idea that Cameron is rubbish, while coming off a bit Alan Partridge.

32 secs. Cameron bounds on to the stage and inexplicably touches his own arse.

37 secs. “People have a right to ask me the questions that they want to know the answers to.” He might then add: “And I’ll do my utmost to avoid answering them.”

38 secs. The comically excessive pointing begins, as Cameron starts interacting with the people. Reminds me of Chris Morris in Brass Eye (see link below).

50 secs. In response to a question from an ageing Richard Branson lookalike, Cameron delivers arguably the most ludicrous section of the piece. “Why don’t we take things like the Regional Assemblies, the regional spatial strategies, the regional transport plans and [stupid mime] roll them all up and put them in the bin!” Well firstly, the current government has already decided to scrap Regional Assemblies as of next year – so although this is actually one of the few concrete policy ideas in the broadcast, it’s not, in fact, his idea. Secondly, Cameron seems to be advocating getting rid of anything that involves long-term strategy and planning and, presumably, replacing it with something much less well thought out that appeals to NIMBYs and Daily Mail headline writers (way to go, Dave). Then there’s the phrase “roll them all up and put them in the bin!”, which just sounds ludicrous.

1’27 In response to another question, Cameron says he’s going to “bust open the monopoly to provide more good schools… for our children”. He seems to be suggesting wholesale privatisation of the education system. Maybe, as part of this “busting open of the monopoly” Tesco and McDonalds and DHL will be allowed to open primary schools. He isn’t very clear.

1’37 More pointing and bolting from cars. He’s a man of action, yeah?

1’44 “If the answer was no, he said it was no.” Unless, one assumes, someone asked him “Have you ever taken cocaine?”

2’10 “Cameron Direct” is pluralised as “Cameron Directs” – and with no hint of irony. Comically dreadful.

2’12 Lots of boring electioneering stuff about how Gordon Brown has screwed the economy (including about five seconds on what Cameron would do differently).

2’58 “I’ve started a campaign called Save the Penguins.” Cameron cocks his head to one side and makes a simpering face. Reminiscent of Alan Partridge. Again.

3’22 A long segment in which Cameron exhibits his inability to pronounce certain consonants. The words “targets” and “politics” sound especially bizarre.

3’56 Cameron leaves the stage and collides with a man. An almost-bear-hug ensues.

4’04 Pensive staring out of the train window. The man of action becomes more thoughtful here.

4’04 to end. Repeated use of the word “change” – one by Cameron and two by apparently random members of the public. Then a graphic: “Vote for change.” Change. Change. Change. I’m sure there was another recent political campaign that focused on this word but I can’t put my finger on it. Still, I must be wrong. Cameron is physically incapable of jumping on a bandwagon.

And here’s a video of Chris Morris in Brass Eye. The studio colour scheme, outfit, hairstyle, patronising tone and absolute bollocks being spoken bear some remarkable similarities to Cameron Direct.

]]> http://www.wordsdept.co.uk/2009/05/24/cameron-direct-election-broadcast-mines-alan-partridge-and-brass-eye-for-inspiration/feed/ 0 http://www.wordsdept.co.uk/2009/02/19/introducing-adturds/ http://www.wordsdept.co.uk/2009/02/19/introducing-adturds/#comments Thu, 19 Feb 2009 21:44:28 +0000 David Quinn http://www.wordsdept.co.uk/?p=359 I suppose it’s about time I confessed to the fact that I am contributing to a new blog. It’s called AdTurds and, as the name suggests, is simply about television adverts that me and (regular Words Dept. commenter) Robin think are shit.

Web geeks will notice the hilarious AdWords pun, on top of the fact that “AdTurds” sounds a bit like “adverts”. No? Oh, well.

Already we have had virtually no attention from anyone, so if you care to point your mouse towards adturds.co.uk, you will no doubt be possibly mildly amused.

the first-class gravy train

and

free gin and tonic for fat cats.

It’s a nice story that’s bound to cause a justified outbreak of tutting among the Manchester accountants and lawyers whose travel budgets have been slashed to nothing in the last few months.

But wait, what’s this on the back cover? Erm, it’s a full-page advert for Virgin Trains (which, of course, operates the service between Manchester and London) specifically encouraging passengers to travel first class.

Travel like a lottery winner… book a first class journey on our trains and you’ll think your numbers have come up. You’ll enjoy extra legroom, free newspapers and complimentary food and drinks served at your seat. Lucky you.

Hmm. I’ll bet that ad was a hit with the money-burning council tax wasters featured on page 1.

Meanwhile, it’s perhaps worth noting that if you want to travel before 9am, the cost of a first class return ticket from Manchester to London on Virgin Trains is £387 – even when booked a fortnight in advance. No wonder their first class passengers feel like lottery winners. If you’re happy to spunk the cost of a package holiday in Greece on a two-hour train journey, you probably already are one.

Film

I thought Wall-E was surprisingly deep for a kids film and was also technically flawless. But There Will Be Blood blew me away.

1. There Will Be Blood

2. Wall-E

3. Jar City

3. The Dark Knight

5. No Country For Old Men

TV

Absolutely no contest for the top slot, while Top Gear remains the most entertaining programme on television even when watching a repeat for the seventh time on Dave.

1. The Wire*

2. Top Gear

3. Wallander

4. The Apprentice

5. House of Saddam

*NB I’ve only watched a couple of episodes from Season 5 so far so if you’re leaving a comment, please NO SPOILERS!

Music

I don’t think it was a vintage year but perhaps I’m just turning into an old fart. Hercules and Love Affair was the only album that genuinely excited me but the rest of these are all pretty good.

1. Hercules and Love Affair – Hercules and Love Affair

2. Hot Chip – Made in the Dark

3. Duffy – Rockferry

4. Beck – Modern Guilt

5. Fujiya & Miyagi – Lightbulbs

Miscellaneous

1. The discovery of Maj Sjöwall and Per Wahlöö and their Martin Beck books

2. The use of the word “ASBO” as a noun. eg “Dave, you asbo!”

3. Pro-Evolution Soccer on Wii

4. Peanut Butter & Co’s “Crunch Time” peanut butter

5. The Barclaycard advert where the guy slides down a massive water chute

Press Statement

28.11.08

Statement from The Yes Campaign in response to Ofcom ruling

Lis Phelan said: “The time has come for everybody to drop this obsession with adverts, websites and the wording of ballot papers.

“This referendum is not being decided by lawyers or watchdogs, but by the mother who needs to get her child to school; the pensioner worried about getting home safely at night, and those who will welcome the chance of 10,000 new jobs. Let’s just get on and vote.”

-Ends-

So, just to clarify: Issuing a press release containing nothing except for a condemnation of a distasteful YouTube video produced by associates of the No campaign that virtually no-one has seen and that has now been withdrawn, like the Yes campaign did on Tuesday, is perfectly OK. But when Ofcom rebukes ITV for showing an advert that’s biased in favour of the congestion charge in the ad break for Coronation Street, “everybody” is being obsessive.

[Sound of forehead being slapped and man shouting "D'oh!"]

Firstly, what the hell is a “king prawn spoon”? It looks like a plastic black teaspoon with a thick maggot on it. You can see why they call it party food. It inspires that famous Christmas parlour game known as Bet You Can’t Eat One Without Sicking Up On To The Axminster.

Then there’s some unspecified deep fried thing that could possibly be a witchetty grub in batter. The mini gateaux look like bloodsucking jellyfish and the quiche slices bear a striking resemblance to emu vomit. “Bitesize mini hotdogs”? Kangaroo bollocks in pastry. UPDATE: All the idents can be seen here.

Part of the problem is the lighting, which bathes everything in a flourescent striplight glow. It’s like when you to go a nighclub and they switch the lights on at the end. Everything suddenly looks sweat-covered and hideous.

And why is Kerry Katona still considered a viable brand ambassador? She’s an alcoholic with a history of cocaine abuse who recently spent £19,000 on plastic surgery, for Christ’s sake! Does anyone look at this woman and think: “If that food’s good enough for Kerry Katona, it’s good enough for me!” The fact that she’s flirting with Christopher Biggins adds a whole other horrifying dimension. In one of the idents she seems to lunge in to kiss him full on the mouth but luckily the screen fades to black at the last moment.

And as for the advert featuring Kerry singing with Jason Donovan and Coleen Nolan… there’s just no need, is there?