Words Dept.: entry

It’s that time of year when a list of some sort becomes very much the order of the day. I also recently realised that virtually all people on television are deeply awful. Bearing these things in mind, I’ve come up with my top 10 most awful people on television 2009. In reverse order, natch.

10. Garth Crooks - Garth kicks off the awfulness countdown thanks to a tetchy style that manages to put everyone on edge without him realising it. One of the staunchest defenders of Emmannuel Adebayor’s repulsive behaviour against Arsenal earlier this year, his often mystifying outbursts on the BBC’s Final Score are excellent news for Sky Sports.

9. Richard Hammond – While Clarkson remains Top Gear’s most obvious bellend, Hammond is clearly encroaching on the territory with his big 80s hair, silly wardrobe and car-related orgasms. Shit advert bonus: Morrisons

8. Amanda Holden – Not only did Holden display remarkable dislikeability as a judge on Britain’s Got Talent, she also starred in Big Top, a BBC1 sitcom that had unintentional similarities to Ricky Gervais’ deliberately unfunny When the Whistle Blows.

7. Davina McCall – With each passing year, McCall’s twitchy, arm-waving presenting style appears to morph into a caricature of itself. Awfulness arises most obviously as she feigns interest in an annual television event that almost everyone got bored of some years ago. Soon to be appearing on Sky 1. Obviously. Shit advert bonus: L’Oreal

6. Ant and/or Dec – Smirking Geordie ballbags Ant and Dec’s continued appearance on I’m A Celebrity… is beginning to feel deeply uncomfortable. I can’t be the only person who wonders why these two giggling relics from 1990s kids’ TV are mysteriously bestowed the status of royalty while the so-called non-entities they laugh at on a nightly basis during their once-a-year presenting gig must swallow kangaroo semen in order to get on the box. Shit advert bonus: Nintendo Wii

5. Kirstie Allsopp – The awful thing about Kirstie is that she is still on television, hanging around like a bad smell from the height of 2004’s property boom that just won’t clear, yet seemingly unaware of the part she played in turning the nation into a nosey, jealous, over-mortgaged mess. Unfortunately, she appears to be branching out as both a Tory “adviser” on jolly hockey sticks and girly domestic Goddess. Her infuriatingly upper-class Christmas country crafts programme was a contender for 2009’s televisual nadir.

4. Gok Wan – As has been previously observed on this blog, Gok has invented his own language, much of which revolves around the use of his own name. While his “Gokettes” don’t seem to care, one can’t help but feel the practice exhibits an ego run out of control. Clearly I’m not a woman, so I can’t begin to understand how being hollered at by Gok and paraded naked on stage in a provincial shopping centre is going to cure my raging insecurities. Also responsible for making lots of middle-aged women think stupidly coloured, angular plastic-framed glasses make them look younger.

3. Noel Edmonds – Badly dressed cosmic nutcase Noel’s demented outburst in the direction of  Wealdon district council earlier this year, part of which involved him revealing that he wasn’t being paid for his time as a presenter on Sky 1, was probably the year’s most awful TV moment and hinted at Alan Partridge made real. Edmonds likes to whinge about barmy bureaucrats, health and safety legislation and “political correctness gone mad” while illegally driving his own black cab down bus lanes in a weird protest against “time thieves”. The word awful hardly scratches the surface of the bearded libertarian tossbag’s inherent unpleasantness.

2. Tim Lovejoy – Lovejoy’s voice, which somehow manages to be simultaneously bland, whiny and cocky, his lumpen, somnambulist presenting style, his awkwardness around guests and co-hosts, his shallowness (thinks the Glazers are great for football, says Johan Cruyff is his favourite footballer despite only having seen one five-second clip, etc), his love of Chelsea and boring indie music, his pointy shoes/tight cardigan combos and just about every other facet of his personality and appearance takes him to number two in the awfulness league. Something for the Weekend is generally unwatchable at best but Lovejoy’s farcically awkward weekly gadget review segment is clearly the most horrific thing to have been seen on weekend morning television since someone accidentally set Gordon the Gopher on fire.

1. Michael McIntyre – The personification of the risk-averse post-Brand/Ross TV comedy landscape, McIntyre is helping to strangle the art of stand-up with his nicey-nicey observational style that essentially comprises saying something bland that isn’t remotely funny in an exaggerated plummy voice. For this, he was rewarded in 2009 with a BBC TV series that saw him traverse the country making bland, not remotely funny observations about different towns in an exaggerated plummy voice. Comedian Stewart Lee recently joked that his next project would be to rehash McIntyre’s entire routine verbatim, “just to see if I could inject any paranoia and menace or even personality into it, if I could turn the blandness of it into the thoughts of someone on the very edge of madness”. Even Vic and Bob think he’s shit. There can be no redemption for the Godforsaken McIntyre, truly the most awful person on television of 2009.

Feel free to add your own to the list. NB: The following have been discounted as too obvious to mention: Jeremy Kyle, Jamie Oliver, Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan, Jeremy Clarkson. So don’t even. Go there. Anyone thinking of leaving a comment defending Lovejoy can also f*** off.