Words Dept.: entry

Since the start of this week, I have been unemployed embarking on an exciting new freelance career, which means I’ve found myself watching daytime television. The programmes are dreadful but the adverts, which appeal to housewives, the retired and the out of work, are kind of fascinating for what they reveal about the UK’s socio-economic condition. Here’s a rundown of my favourites.

Crown Bingo – Whereas men prefer to ruin their family relationships with late-night online poker sessions, the housewife’s destructive gambling method of choice is the daytime online bingo binge, which causes her to forget to pick the kids up from school. This advert contains one of the most upsetting jingles of all time, as well as utterly shit CGI, predictably involving a crown. Brilliant.

Ped Egg – Tool aimed at scraping bits of dead skin off your feet. Now available in pink, apparently to appeal to women. This exquisite advert follows the “demonstration” structure familiar to fans of shopping channels, which is problematic considering the device’s primary use. Hence one particularly distasteful moment, which involves the Ped Egg being emptied of powdery skin filings into a bin.

Fenton’s Solicitors – Like all adverts for personal injury lawyers, this is screened during the day to target people who are too lazy to go to work but think that by faking a trip over a bit of kerb they can quickly become rich. Contains a laughable series of images of potential hazards (fizzing electrics, wobbly ladders, etc) to help jog the viewer’s memory.

National Accident Helpline – Same idea as Fenton’s but with a name that hints at some kind of independence and authority in order to confuse the thick.

Injury Lawyers 4U – Same idea as Fenton’s  but with the addition of a threatening, tanned bloke in a suit, who helpfully provides dictionary definitions for the words “injury” and “lawyers”, since people watching television in the middle of the afternoon are unlikely to know. Almost certain to foster feelings of anger and paranoia among susceptible viewers.

Envirofone – A service that pays money for old mobile phones. Contains an array of badly-acted stereotypes, including a fat bloke, a gay punk and a Welsh person. The advert looks like it has been made by contestants off the Apprentice. Sir Alan Sugar would, like me, probably enjoy the bit where someone gets terrifically overexcited about being paid £150 and the way “envirofone.com” is stated twice in immediate succession at the end.

Cash My Gold – Like Envirofone, but with unwanted Argos jewellery. A bloke with a beard who wears tweed and lives in a stately home is the main protagonist, which isn’t exactly the sort of person I can visualise using the service. There are other firms like Postal Gold and Cash 4 Gold advertising the exact same thing, suggesting an unlikely new trend.

Oven Pride – Cleaning product aimed specifically at bitter housewives. The advert starts with a snarling harridan standing with her arms folded behind an idiot man in pink Marigolds. The slogan is “So easy a man can do it”. I very much wanted the man to raise his fist at this point and shout “You can’t even bleed a radiator, you patronising bitch!” but sadly it never happened. Accompanied by a bizarre, lullaby-ish soundtrack that suggests something deeply, deeply sinister.

Red Driving School – Suffers from an alarming tendency to overstate the excitement of being a driving instructor. “This is the only number YOU’RE going to need to change your career.. and your LIFE!” The bloke telling you this has a deep voice and a vaguely Christoper-Lee-as-Dracula thing going on. “Over a million people take driving lessons every year and YOU could be teaching them!” Well yes. But there must be easier ways of earning a living. Actually, does anyone have the number for Fenton’s Solicitors?