Words Dept.: entry

There’s something inescapably awful about the latest Conservative election broadcast, which essentially consists of David Cameron saying the words “Cameron Direct” a lot while prancing about, pointing a lot and occasionally sitting on a train. I’ve checked and it’s not a parody but I’ve still watched it about six times on YouTube since it was first broadcast on Wednesday on the basis that parts of it are genuinely hilarious.

So. Here’s a list of observations:

0-15secs. Repetition of the phrase “Cameron Direct”. Who is this Cameron Direct? Some kind of alter ego? Annoying. And it ignores the basic rule that repeating your own name out loud as part of some kind of branding exercise just looks crass.

10secs. Emphasis of “26th”. As though doing Cameron Directs is really exhausting, and reaching the grand milestone of 26 of them is somehow to be admired. “I’m in Watford and I’m doing my twenty-sixth Cameron Direct.” So f***ing what?

14-23secs. Explanation of Cameron Direct, which ends with the stupid phrase “think you’re all rubbish”. Clearly supposed to sound chummy and fun, but actually subliminally implants the idea that Cameron is rubbish, while coming off a bit Alan Partridge.

32 secs. Cameron bounds on to the stage and inexplicably touches his own arse.

37 secs. “People have a right to ask me the questions that they want to know the answers to.” He might then add: “And I’ll do my utmost to avoid answering them.”

38 secs. The comically excessive pointing begins, as Cameron starts interacting with the people. Reminds me of Chris Morris in Brass Eye (see link below).

50 secs. In response to a question from an ageing Richard Branson lookalike, Cameron delivers arguably the most ludicrous section of the piece. “Why don’t we take things like the Regional Assemblies, the regional spatial strategies, the regional transport plans and [stupid mime] roll them all up and put them in the bin!” Well firstly, the current government has already decided to scrap Regional Assemblies as of next year – so although this is actually one of the few concrete policy ideas in the broadcast, it’s not, in fact, his idea. Secondly, Cameron seems to be advocating getting rid of anything that involves long-term strategy and planning and, presumably, replacing it with something much less well thought out that appeals to NIMBYs and Daily Mail headline writers (way to go, Dave). Then there’s the phrase “roll them all up and put them in the bin!”, which just sounds ludicrous.

1′27 In response to another question, Cameron says he’s going to “bust open the monopoly to provide more good schools… for our children”. He seems to be suggesting wholesale privatisation of the education system. Maybe, as part of this “busting open of the monopoly” Tesco and McDonalds and DHL will be allowed to open primary schools. He isn’t very clear.

1′37 More pointing and bolting from cars. He’s a man of action, yeah?

1′44 “If the answer was no, he said it was no.” Unless, one assumes, someone asked him “Have you ever taken cocaine?”

2′10 “Cameron Direct” is pluralised as “Cameron Directs” – and with no hint of irony. Comically dreadful.

2′12 Lots of boring electioneering stuff about how Gordon Brown has screwed the economy (including about five seconds on what Cameron would do differently).

2′58 “I’ve started a campaign called Save the Penguins.” Cameron cocks his head to one side and makes a simpering face. Reminiscent of Alan Partridge. Again.

3′22 A long segment in which Cameron exhibits his inability to pronounce certain consonants. The words “targets” and “politics” sound especially bizarre.

3′56 Cameron leaves the stage and collides with a man. An almost-bear-hug ensues.

4′04 Pensive staring out of the train window. The man of action becomes more thoughtful here.

4′04 to end. Repeated use of the word “change” – one by Cameron and two by apparently random members of the public. Then a graphic: “Vote for change.” Change. Change. Change. I’m sure there was another recent political campaign that focused on this word but I can’t put my finger on it. Still, I must be wrong. Cameron is physically incapable of jumping on a bandwagon.

And here’s a video of Chris Morris in Brass Eye. The studio colour scheme, outfit, hairstyle, patronising tone and absolute bollocks being spoken bear some remarkable similarities to Cameron Direct.