Words Dept.: entry

Since there are loads of helpful social media evangelists out there providing handy hints about what to do in order to get the most out of social networking, I thought I’d buck the trend with my own unhelpful selection of the thirteeen (deliberately Web 2.0-ish random number) things people do on Twitter and Facebook that I personally find slightly annoying. Note: This list is pointless and will more than likely insult some of my closest friends.

Attempt to disguise something boastful and/or self-promoting as being of general interest. “Going to my brother’s 40-acre farm in the Cotswolds for a long weekend” or “Flattered to be interviewed in Architects Journal this week http://is.gd/twUNt”. Yes, we get it, you’ve arrived.

Write things about yourself in the third person. Like “David is writing a blog post and is then going to buy some rawl plugs from his local branch of B&Q.” In real life, this would be considered a sign of a borderline personality disorder. The original Facebook interface encouraged it but there’s no longer any excuse. And anyone who does it on Twitter should be imprisoned.

Be excessively vague and/or secretive. Even worse when it’s in the third person. “Samantha is feeling excited about the lunch she just had with her special new friend.” Or “Jane is hoping what she has just been told isn’t true.” I don’t want to have to enquire about what it means. Just fucking tell me. Or better still, shut up.

Do #followfriday. I can see who your friends are. You don’t need to big them up once a week. To make it worse, some people then tweet a note of thanks about being included in someone else’s #followfriday. The equivalent of being trapped in a lift with two people complimenting each other’s shoes.

Re-tweet your own tweets. Particularly grating when it’s something you’ve just tweeted yourself under a different name from another Twitter account. Smacks of desperation.

Be Derek Draper.

Go on about football all the time. I’ve done this myself and can therefore assert with some authority that it is highly annoying. Plus I quite liked some people until I found out they were Manchester United fans.

Use smileys. Controversial, I know, but I have never, and will never, use a smiley. I know and respect plenty of people who do. But in the back of my mind I can’t help but retain a moderate mistrust towards anyone who would deliberately abuse the semi-colon.

“WIN” and “FAIL”. Have you taken leave of your senses? What on earth are you talking about?

Ask bizarre questions to which nobody will know the answer. “Could anyone recommend a 70′s-style Iranian bistro in Betws-y-Coed?” “What’s a realistic price for a two-week bullfighting holiday in Azerbaijan?” I recently did this myself as a joke, with a query about WHSmith in Hexham. Nobody replied.

Mention some kind of wine.

Have an avatar that shows your partner or child. The aim here is totally transparent and is simply to show that at least one person has had sex with you and, despite initial impressions, you’re not really the kind of dull geek who spends all day on Twitter and Facebook. Wedding day shots are known to magnify the above effect by a factor of at least 40. Although you look like a bell-end in that rented suit.

“lol” Acceptable in all cases, except if you are over the age of fifteen.