Piers ‘n’ Dylan: Friends o’ politicians

I was unfortunate enough to pick up a copy of the Mail on Sunday supplement Live from the seat of a train yesterday. I instantly regretted the act because it caused me to stumble across two of Britain’s smuggest men engaging in a feast of political name-dropping.

In the inside back cover is Piers Morgan, “Columnist of the Year” (but not entirely successful tabloid editor), who reveals, a mere seven lines into his article, that Gordon Brown recently “dropped in” to a birthday party for First News, “the children’s newspaper that I helped create”.

“I can’t stay long,” he said.

Hope you’ve got a good excuse,” I replied.

“I’ve got to see the Queen.”

What a fascinating exchange. I didn’t read on.

Perhaps sensing that Gordon is, indeed, a moron, Dylan Jones, editor of GQ, chooses to big up David Cameron in his own column elsewhere inside the rag. It’s no secret that Jones is an admirer of the arse Cameron, having stuck him on the cover of GQ a while back. But the way he crowbars in a clumsy reference to the burgeoning love affair between them is nothing short of an affront to human dignity.

He starts off by parping on at some length about why it’s no embarrassment to drive a Volvo XC70 rather than a “midlife crisis sports car”. This is merely a diversion tactic, though, because the real meat of the piece begins six paragraphs from the end, when Jones launches into the Cameroon anecdote.

It really is of the worst possible variety, containing, as it does, reference to the pair of them getting changed in a “local hotel” before a black-tie event in Birmingham. This is carefully calculated to transmit the idea that Jones isn’t just the editor of a glossy magazine for middle-aged bores but in fact has the ear of the rich and powerful.

Dave, it transpires, has lost his bow-tie, so Dylan offers him a spare. But Dave isn’t impressed and holds it in the air like a “dead rat”, because it’s “ready-tied”. In response, Dave says:

“It’s like discovering Elle McPherson has fake breasts.”

Hmm. You can see the logic. It’s a line that’s presumably been approved by Conservative Central Office and is crafted to show that Cameron has a sense of humour, that he is “a bloke” and that he talks about tits with ordinary bald Volvo drivers in Birmingham.

However, it doesn’t quite work. Because ultimately, the fact that Cameron inexplicably refuses to wear a ready-tied bow-tie, belittles the bearer of the item and then makes a sexist joke proves beyond doubt that he is a big-chinned, twatty toff.

NB Neither piece is on the Mail’s webshite, hence no links.

Value added bollocks: If you like Dave, you may wish to purchase one of these.

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