Words Dept.: entry

The author published this entry on Sunday 20 April, 2008 at 9:13 pm. It's been filed in the advertising + bbc + televisioncategory

It’s all in the database

The BBC, or, more specifically, the various contractors it uses to collect TV licenses, have invented something called a “database”. I didn’t know what this meant so I looked it up and apparently it means a structured collection of data that can be accessed by a computer.

According to the hoary female voiceover on the latest advert/information film being played on all BBC TV channels at least forty times an hour this last week, “the database” is a piece of “new technology” that allows the BBC to track you down – and, possibly, imprison you without trial for 42 days – should you seek to evade paying your license fee.

If you can get your head round this, what it means is that they have a list of addresses of people who have given them their addresses. What they do is, they look at this list and from that they can tell who has a TV license. I know, it’s a miraculous innovation.

Unfortunately, a quick glance at Wikipedia shows the first database was invented some 45 years ago, so if the Beeb genuinely thinks this is “new technology”, they probably haven’t really got a clue what they’re doing and you should carry on not paying your TV license for as long as you like. Also, if they really do have all our details, then why the fuck are they wasting time and money telling us about it? Why don’t they just come and nab us?

Wouldn’t it be nice if, just once, one of these films opted not to think the worst of its audience and offered a gentle reminder that despite what you might think, the BBC really is worth it. You know, something like: “If you watch EastEnders and Newsnight every night, each programme costs you just 26p a time. And we also broadcast thousands of hours of other telly every year, some of which you’re bound to like. So why not pay your TV license? It’s nothing like as expensive as Sky.” They could use some classic feelgood clips to illustrate it, like that elephant shitting on the floor of the Blue Peter studio.

But no. What we get this:

It’s an aerial view of what appears to be a city. This turns out to be a load of computer chips and is a sinister attempt to convince us that the BBC “knows where we live”. Then we hear a “knock knock knock” sound, presumably signifying the moment where a mob of BBC-sponsored bureaucrats (perhaps wearing nice blue tracksuits) turns up at our door, drags us in to the street and beats us to death for being the sick paedo license evaders we are.

I suppose it’s the only language we understand. And if you think that stuff about being beaten up by TV licensing inspectors is an exaggeration, then have a look at this:

The Conversation {10 comments}

  1. Lefty 21 April, 08 @ 10:33 am

    The BBC, TV Licensing and Capita Group are all scabby companies but what makes me smile at these adverts is the fact the the general public are too docile to do anything other than pay.

    There are many campaign websites on the internet, I run a couple myself, what we need to do is group everybody together who objects and the just stop paying.

    Easy as 1, 2, 3

    Groups

    1) You Tube: http://www.youtube.com/group/bbcCampaign

    2) FlickR: http://www.flickr.com/groups/bbcproducts/

    3) My Space: http://www.myspace.com/bbccampaign

  2. Robin 21 April, 08 @ 11:09 am

    Quite why the BBC is doing its best to appear as some kind of frightening Orwellian organisation at a time when hostility to it and the licence fee are at an all-time high is beyond me.

    This is also at a time when the old argument that you don’t get adverts on the BBC – this being just one benefit of paying a licence fee – is manifestly not true. They even trail programmes that are about to start FFS.

    You’re right about the adverts they should be running – the BBC is good value at twice the money for the services it provides and anyone who thinks otherwise should be shot. I expect to see this on a horribly-ubiquitous BBC infomercial quite soon.

  3. Stuart 22 April, 08 @ 9:07 pm

    Fear really is the key. The government is at it, the BBC is at it. Database this, database that. Wait until they start marching up and down the streets with their databases, dragging “offenders” out to be processed.

  4. Baz 01 May, 08 @ 3:56 pm

    The people who don’t pay are not likely to respond to the gentle, lovey dovey ad you suggest. What TV Licencing trails have done in the past is inform peole about how they could pay, direct debit etc making it easier. But those who continue to avoid payment aren’t going to respond by being shown the elephant off of Blue Peter. And trails are not advertising are they? The BBC doesn’t get paid for them.

  5. Martha 01 May, 08 @ 10:41 pm

    thank you, thank you. I put ‘it’s all in the database’ into a search engine because I hate it so and it’s so nasty, and the first thing I read is this. I am so glad you’ve written it. It’s spot on. Having said all that, are people who don’t pay their licence going to respond to a TV advert at all? Maybe they should spend all the advertising budget to pay sinister people in blue tracksuits to really go round to their houses (which they know about from their database) and take their televisions away. Anyway, well done for making the point in the first place.

  6. Sean 05 May, 08 @ 7:28 am

    That’s not quite true, Baz. The BBC has tended to use a commixture of threats, blandishments and shameless self-aggrandising in order to coerce us to pay the licence fee for quite some time. Most recently we’ve had those smug ‘This is what we do’ trails between programmes but you’ll probably recall a similar tack – ‘Because of the unique way the BBC is funded…’ – employed in the 1990s.

    My own take, for what it is worth, can be found here.

  7. Robin 07 May, 08 @ 9:31 am

    ‘And trails are not advertising are they? The BBC doesn’t get paid for them.’

    What a bizarrely literal interpretation of my point.

  8. rak 14 September, 08 @ 9:26 pm
  9. Dave 13 December, 08 @ 11:14 am

    I’m looking at houses on Rightmove, but every few seconds I’m getting threatened because my address is “all in the database”. I’ve never owned a TV and really detest the threatening attitude of TVL. If I had one, I’d pay without fuss, but I resent the implication that I am an outlaw because I don’t pay the protection money.

  10. spafon7e 03 December, 09 @ 12:40 am

    I too detest the attitude of the Crapita. But that’s insufficient reason for me not to pay the fee.

    The fee is cheap at the price. And rather that than even
    more ads and Murdoch.

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