Words Dept.: entry

For all-round wrongness, Carol Vorderman advertising cheapo chicken from Farmfoods in the ad-break for Dick Fearnley-Whittington’s Be Nice to Cocks programme (or whatever it was called) was bad. But professional dimwit Danielle Lloyd’s recruitment as the “face” of a new campaign for Rustlers’ Microwaveable Offalburgers (TM) surely trumps it.

Ignoramus Lloyd famously said, during an appearance on Celebrity Big Brother last year, that Indian actress Shilpa Shetty should “fuck off home”. Thankfully she appears to have put a lid on further such outbursts and is instead focusing on the campaign to hand.

I love nothing more than a good night out with the girls but it’s often ruined by the nightmare of getting home, especially when you’re hungry and want something quick to satisfy you!

she says.

Taxi queues are one of the great British bugbears and I’m sure everyone has wished someone would rescue them and fast forward them to their beds, which is why I love Rustlers To The Rescue.

I can’t wait to see the looks on people’s faces when a fleet of taxis turns up to take them home! And free food is guaranteed to go down well – so get voting!

I’m not sure what we are supposed to vote on because I couldn’t be bothered reading to the end. The taxi thing, meanwhile, is a remarkably innovative PR stunt that has been sold into the Daily Star.

And just to clarify, these words did very much come from her actual mouth and were IN NO WAY written by a PR person. Just like the thing about the Indian woman. Which was on camera. On television and that. But let’s not dwell on it.

So get voting!

Ingredients of a Rustlers Quarter Pounder (190g)

Beef Burger (45%), [Beef (75%), Beef Fat, Water, Textured Soya Protein (5%), Dextrose, Flavour Enhancer: E621; Salt, Sugar, Stabiliser: E451; Egg White Powder, Flavourings, Hydrolysed Vegetable Protein, Malt Extract, Yeast Extract, Colour: E150c], Sesame Seed Bun (41%), [Wheat Flour, Water, Vegetable Oil, Yeast, Sesame Seeds, Salt, Sugar, Emulsifiers: E472e, E471, Preservative: E282; Flour Treatment Agent: E300], Processed Cheese (8%), [Cheese, Water, Butter, Whey Powder, Milk Proteins, Emulsifying Salts: E452, E339; Salt, Calcium Phosphate, Colours: Beta Carotone, Paprika Extract], Tomato Ketchup (6%), [Tomato Paste, Glucose-Fructose Syrup, Vinegar, Modified Maize Starch, Salt, Sugar, Preservative: E202, Herbs, Spices, Onion Extract, Flavouring]