Masterchef misdemeanours lead to praiseworthy punnage… shocker
Sunday, 17 February 2008
Words Dept. is a fan of egg-shaped ex-greengrocer Gregg Wallace, the co-host/judge of TV’s Masterchef. So it is with great embarrassment and personal sadness that I must recount the claims this weekend that in addition to a penchant for “plates of food”, the renowned “ingredients expert” is a fan of sick bottom smacking action for sexual kicks. Well, that’s according to his ex-wife, who has presumably been paid by the News of the World to reveal the fact.
Denise described how throughout their marriage he collected spanking magazines, and she told how on one of their first dates she had to hold back giggles as he asked if she would lie across his lap.
She said: “It was his thing. He said that was what turned him on.”
After their divorce in 2004, which followed the collapse of his £7m business, they had to move out of their posh home in Richmond, Surrey.
But the only possessions Gregg was worried about was his vast collection of spanking mags.
Poor Gregg also allegedly confessed to a rendez-vu with prozzy, and was none too impressed when she turned up at “posh” Radio 4, following Gregg’s “show about vegetables”.
I was trying to think of some kind of offensive pun involving cakes, arses and, maybe, slags. But I’m afraid I can’t beat the NotW’s headline:
Masterchef host loves whipping up a tart
Boing! No, really. Give that sub a gold star.
No. 1 — February 18th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Fantastic news-smut, with vitrually every tabloid cliche ticked. It’s only a surprise that Gregg isn’t called ‘brainy’ for having two O Levels, or that there’s no mention of a ‘TV funnyman’.
That header is a cracker, but is any of this really that surprising of a man who spends his entire TV time making lascivious comments about rubbing various parts of his body into ‘puds’; gurgling beatifically as he shovels vast spoonfuls of dessert into his mouth; and chuckling ‘clever boy’ like a sexual deviant while eyeing a nervous youngster over the top of his glasses? I think not.
On a similar note, just how fat is Gregg going to get? His vast gut seems to be growing at a frightening rate.